Welcome to my online journal. You can find my archive of older journals below.

Previous page


My Diary


So the past month has been full of the scariest experiences, mentally. Right now I'm struggling with emotional numbness more than ever and I feel like I've lost my sense of self. I joined some meet-up groups and went to a couple recently. One online and one offline. I have an online one today in less than 30 mins. I really shouldn't have planned 3 meet-up days in a row. At the time I didn't even realize I planned it like that.

When I went to yesterday's meet-up, I realized I feel even more like an actor while talking to people than I did before. I can answer questions they ask me but I don't have anything to say myself. I don't feel the will to say anything. Maybe it's because I'm so stuck in my head and disconnected. My bf told me to just be myself and say what I want, but how am I supposed to do that when I feel like a robot and don't know who I am. I've been trying different ways to get out of this but it just seems to get worse. I don't even feel therapy is helping. What scares me is the thought of never being able to return to my former self. How I was before all these surreal panic attacks.

Anyway here is a pic from yesterday (I'm the one in front on the right):


It's been a while since I've updated here... I got diagnosed with hypothyroidism yesterday. My energy levels plummeted a few days before and I could barely walk. After a couple days of being told it was all in my head, I was finally prompted to go to the doctor, specifically to check my thyroid. They said it was underactive, but not majorly. I'll sleep well but then feel like I get no sleep at all. I feel completely numb right now and like I can't fully wake up. It's scaring me because idk if it's from my thyroid or the DPDR and idk what to do about it. I feel scared and helpless. I was put on a very low dose of medication, but need to follow up with a primary care doctor to get it adjusted accordingly. I was told to see an endocrinologist specifically. I don't even know how I'm going to do that when I don't have insurance. All I know is that the emotional numbness is wrecking me right now. Knowing that something physical might be causing it and that I have no control over it at the moment really makes me feel hopeless.


I listened to Perfume's Spinning World in full today and I was not disappointed. It got me so excited I ended up going on a Capsule spree because it made me want to listen to Future Wave again. I get goosebumps everytime I listen to Future Wave, I love it so much I actually teared up listening to it today. I did that while cleaning a bunch of stuff in my room and the bathroom. Now I feel drained. Not because of the cleaning but because the music made me so over-excited that I crashed. Feel like I drank too much caffeine -_-

Previous | Next