Repth Journal

I haven't updated here in a while. Just haven't haven't felt motivated. I wanted to vent some thoughts though, I'm particularly stressed out right now and have no one to talk to. can't get a therapist appointment to save my life.

It was a mistake thinking that looking at pages related to mental illness on social media would be a source of support. I realized nobody there (by “there” I mean social media in general) actually wanted to recover. They view their mental illnesses as personality quirks.

They see posts like “OCD actually makes you a good person” and run with it. They use posts like that as an excuse not to work on themselves. Yet I’m the asshole for pointing out misleading posts like these? OCD ruined my life. Nobody should ever let it determine whether they’re a good or bad person. You won’t suddenly lose all your good traits once you recover.

And srolling thru comments on posts about dissociation made me realize nobody actually knows what it is or how life-ruining it can be. Just a bunch of scumbags using MIs as accessories.

Mental illness took almost everything from me. Being talked to like I know nothing about it just because I think people shouldn’t be viewing it as “a good thing” or an accessory is like a smack in the face.

I haven't recovered from either of the things I mentioned, but I'm not gonna sit here and act like they're what makes me a good person. Imagine getting diagnosed with OCD and seeing a post telling you that you're only a good person because of your OCD. That's fucked! How the fuck is that helping anyone??

Anyway, I got a book yesterday and it explained very well all of the scary DPDR symptoms and how to deal with them. It's been a lot worse since my bf left. But I can't let it rule my life. I have to keep my brain as preoccupied as possible. About to play an MMORPG with my bf now.

All the plans for the next few months kind of went out the window. I was supposed to fly to NZ with my bf in May, but he ended up unexpectedly moving back by himself the other day. He dropped it on me out of no where. I felt so blindsided when he left. Like I'm in a whole different world than I was 3 days ago.

He wanted to go back first to save up more money so that we won't have to depend on other people like we have been. And so I'll have a place to go when I get there. I was already terrified of taking a plane as it was, let alone taking two planes by myself. The only way I was ever able to get on planes was because of someone dragging me on.

The idea of taking a cruise there was brought up. My parents and bf would split the price for a ticket. But the earliest one isn't until end of September. Being by myself these past few days has been horrible tbh. Before I met my bf I was alone for 8 years. But I also didn't have these anxiety and dissociation issues. So it's been a challenge. I don't know if I can bear this for 6 months.

The cruise did look fun, ngl, but I feel like it would feel so weird going by myself. Like what would you do by yourself on a cruise? Especially when you have such a hard time interacting with other people. My mom made a good point that if I had an episode on a cruise vs on a plane, it would be easier to deal with. I'll have to think about it.

I've been dealing with a lot of brain fog and fatigue since he left. Don't really know how to combat it. Everytime I tried exercising it caused fatigue, brain fog, and a lot of anxiety. At first I thought it was a coincidence, but everytime I worked out after that I noticed the same thing would happen. Same if I'm around a lot of noise/loud noises, which is pretty common around here. It also comes with this weird queasy feeling in my head, if that makes sense. No idea how else to explain it.

Today was emotionally draining. Went to LGBT night and mostly ended up talking about non-LGBT related things.

I almost talked myself out of going, but, as sad as it sounds, I thought if nothing else it would be a chance to socialize with other people. And I felt I needed that for my mental health.

I ended up talking to a psychologist and told her about all the trauma from a few months ago. The hospitalization experience that I never got to talk about with anyone yet. A lot of crying as expected. She gave me a paper for free therapy nights, but they only give you 5 appointments.

When I met with the doctor he told me he'd prefer my mood to be more stable before starting testosterone. I definitely agree, even though he said it was never really a problem for anyone he's treated, it's better to be safe. I don't want my mood worse than it already is. I feel like that would push me past rock bottom.

He wants me to try different meds. It's something I don't think I can even do. That option just stopped being worth it after my last few experiences. I'm terrified. Genuinely don't know what I'm gonna do.

I told him the place I was going to for therapy was only able to book me for every couple of months and was always having me see different people. I'm thinking I can do the 5 free appointments and then go back there for therapy. I just need to talk to someone on a regular basis right now and that's the only choice I have as someone with no insurance.

I also got approached by multiple people there about taking surveys, but I get money for doing them so I agreed. Anyway, I go back there in a month. I'm actually going back the day after tomorrow, but that's for physical issues.

I learned today that repeating and rehearsing conversations in your head is a form of rumination and self-soothing. That makes sense, I do it all the time without realizing and now I'm trying to stop, though I have no idea how to do that really. Like what else am I supposed to think about? It just happens automatically.

I'm so mentally tired right now idek what to do.

So me and my bf have been planning on moving to NZ (where he lived before he came here) for a while now. It's been a process trying to prepare everything so that I'm actually able to leave. I still have to wait a few weeks for my passport and then wait until whenever NZ opens up.

Everyone keeps asking if I'm nervous to move out of country and idk why I would be. The only thing I'm scared about is the two plane rides I have to take to get there. I've always been terrified of planes and I'm afraid it's gonna be even worse now. Ever since my anxiety and dissociation issues got worse a few months back, I get freaked out easily by little things.

We went through the car wash the other day and I started panicking. Like the fact I couldn't see out the windows freaked me out. I've never had that problem before.

I literally got scared of my own shadow last night. It wasn't even that it took me by surprise. I was purposefully making a shadow on the wall with my hand. For some reason the size of the shadow scared me. It wasn't so bad that I lost composure or anything and I was able to ignore it, but the fact that I got scared even a little bit scared me even more. Like it felt kind of surreal to me.

So yeah, I'm scared the plane rides are gonna send me into a severe dissociation like I was in a few months ago. I don't ever want to experience that again.

Anyway I have some clinic appointments over the next few days, tomorrow's actually LGBT night. I sent in a request for an appointment a couple weeks ago but they didn't actually make an appointment. They just told me to come as a walk-in. That means tomorrow's gonna be a long night.

They asked if I was interested in mental health services and I said yes because I do need a new therapist. Hopefully something can come of that.

I'm actually going tomorrow for HRT related shit but honestly it's the last thing on my mind right now.

I'm kind of stressed about food. I've been trying anything to improve my mental health. I'm trying to eat healthier but it's making me even more depressed. It's so overwhelming and it makes me feel hopeless.

People at one end of the spectrum make you feel like whatever you eat is never healthy enough, and people at the other end try to make you feel stupid for even trying. Like god forbid I care about my health in any way. It's infuriating.

We went to AEW Revolution the other night. I bring my earplugs everytime we go bc it's loud af obviously, though they don't really do shit lol. And you have to prepare for the ppl screaming in your ear behind you.

These guys the other night though, I didn't even know it was humanly possible to be that loud. Everytime they yelled I got all dizzy and felt like my head was gonna explode. I think I'll pass on the wrestling from now on. I don't want anymore of whatever damage that caused.

I really just go because my bf likes it, but I just can't anymore. The dissociation was real, and scary.

I hate going out in FL it's never worth it. I just feel like I'm being burned alive in an oven.

We walked around to get some reference pics for a comic I wanna start soon, and I made the really stupid mistake of getting coffee flavored ice cream afterwards. It wasn't even a thought since I'm so used to getting that flavor. Didn't think about the caffeine until I was already eating it.

Now I'm just sitting here dissociated, panicked, can't focus on shit. My thoughts feel like they're all sped up.

I'm gonna make some tea and hopefully I'll be able to feel focused and somewhat grounded at some point today bc I really wanted to work on my comic :(

The irony of the ex ranfren fans supposedly being anti-bigotry but having no problem using the f-slur and r-word against the author and any of their supporters. The fact they doxxed an innocent person.

I don’t have a problem with people’s decision to stop supporting them. Nobody is obliged to do that. It’s understandable. But I firmly believe that the people who engage in the behaviors I mentioned above only care about virtue signaling. It’s like they don’t even know what they’re mad about.

We can be upset with problematic behavior without turning to homophobia, ableism, body shaming, ageism etc while also understanding that people are capable of growth. Again, it doesn’t mean you have to forgive them or engage with their content.

I once reblogged a post about bpd back in 2015 that, without context, if you tried really hard, could have been misconstrued as using bpd as an excuse for problematic behavior (something I don’t condone and never have). In reality all it was doing was explaining why ppl with bpd might act the way they do.

My mutual at the time wrote a post calling me a disgusting person, that they couldn’t believe I was a year older than them and that I should have known better in the infinite wisdom I was somehow supposed to have acquired in my early 20s.

They immediately wrote me off as irredeemable trash and got total strangers to agree with them without them having to even read the post I reblogged. All the while they could have just blocked me and moved on.

This is why I can’t stand the way people deal with these things, imo it’s childish and doesn’t solve anything.

(And the fact that I'm critical of people who think it's okay to use slurs or display general bigotry towards people just because they don't like them does not mean I condone the behaviors ppl displayed on the early 2000s-2010s web. So far the only people I see throwing around slurs right now are the ex fans, just saying.)

I went to the doctor yesterday for some stuff and while I was there the doc asked if I wanted testosterone shots and I was like yes. Yes.

He told me to come back on “lgbtq night” and they’d be able to help me. I was so excited in the moment I forgot to ask if it was just like, help for a referral or if they actually do testosterone shots. Bc I’ve already gotten a referral, just can’t afford an endocrinologist :/