[02/4/2022]

Mood: :/

You know, I wish there was a way to blacklist keywords in video titles on youtube. I'm tired of the fearmongering clickbait vids on there from people with a billion subs who I've never heard of in my life. I mean their content's not even similar to the stuff I watch.

On a related note, I deleted my tumblr account a while ago. Not only did I get triggered almost every time I went on there, everyone there stuck in their own cycle of bitterness was really annoying me.

Now I have an art account on there. Don't follow anyone, don't scroll thru my dash, and it's been 100% better. Plus, I get good feedback on my art since I've been drawing a lot of niche fandom stuff, so it works.

I have a bunch of stuff I've been wanting to update here, but I've just been too lazy. Add photos, add the rest of the nav for the photo log, and maybe update the look of the journal page. I feel like it's kinda cluttered with unnecesary stuff.

I feel like my mental health was doing better for a few days, but suddenly went downhill again the day before yesterday. Tbh, ever since my bf gave me those edibles months back it's so easy for me to get paranoid about crazy sounding things. But, I want to get back to normal again. Other people were able to so I should be too.

[01/14/2022]

Mood: :|

There's been some ups and downs over the past few days, mostly downs. Felt like I was starting from square one again, maybe even further back. I feel like I'm doing everything in my power not to totally freak out. I keep needing reminders from people who've actually been through this that it's temporary and I'll eventually feel normal again.

Whenever I try talking about it with anyone else they just can't comprehend it. Their only responses are "Well just stop feeling scared" "Just stop worrying" Then it really hits me how nobody really cares to understand it.

That sounds negative, but there are hopeful moments even if they're just tiny. And they ONLY come from other people who've been through and recovered from DPDR. But when I'm alone with my thoughts I almost forget those people exist, forget that there's hope. It's like a vicious cycle.

I want to talk to people about it but I'm scared at the same time. Therapists and psychiatrists didn't even make the connection when I explained my symptoms, which is weird because I feel like as a mental health worker you should be able to recognize symptoms of dissociation.

I need a therapist who is actually familiar with dissociation, OCD and all that but it's about 75 bucks a week at the cheapest and I can't afford that. My current sliding scale therapy appointments are months apart so it's kind of counter productive.

I just have to put all my focus on keeping some hope alive. That's all I can do.

But anyway here's a journal I made, with help from my bf

I plan on making more out of recycled materials, this was my first time so I wasn't really familiar with all the easier ways you can make them lol

[01/09/2022]

Mood: in pain

skip this entry if you're sensitive to mentions of derealization/unreality and/or suicide

Currently battling the worst cramps I've had in a while. Hopefully the painkillers kick in soon...

I was just on tumblr and it's crazy to me how so many people can casually rebog a post like "what if nothing was real haha what if we're all living in a social experiment and don't realize it haha anyway" and don't even think to tag it as unreality or anything. Like I get not everyone's gonna know to do that. It's just crazy to me.

And it's always a gamble asking someone to do that because you don't know if they're one of the people who think triggers like that shouldn't be taken seriously, or even worse they'll do something to purposefully trigger you further.

Like that one post going around of a person asking someone to add a tw or something because they struggled with paranoid thoughts and the person responded with "I'm living in your walls" thinking they were being funny. Like even if that interaction were fake, so many people shared that and laughed about it like it was a totally acceptable thing to do.

Even if you think "that person shouldn't be on the internet if they're that paranoid" that doesn't mean they deserve to be triggered further. Tf is wrong with these people?

Like, I said I wouldn't wish my experience on anyone but I find myself wishing these people could experience just one day of derealization and paranoid thoughts. Severe OCD, even. They'd take it seriously REAL fast!!

While I'm on the subject, self-deprecation and suicide jokes just straight up aren't funny. I've realized that more than anything after the experience that started all this for me. Once you're actually suicidal the last thing you're gonna feel like doing is joking about it. When your life turns upside-down, your thinking kind of has to as well. It changes how you see everything.

On a lighter note, me and my bf went walking yesterday and took some pics:

me (￣ω￣)

bf (￣ω￣)

Some dogs we saw

Also, we got an instax mini link. It can make instax photos from pics on your phone, tablet, etc. even your switch ( ; ω ; )

[01/06/2022]

Mood: in pain

My urethra has been acting up again and I don't even know what I did to cause it. All I know is it hurts like crazy and the painkillers I took aren't doing shit.

Me and my bf had to drive my grandma somewhere yesterday, about 90 mins away. Felt like way longer. But we went to a shopping center in a town nearby, specifically a big fancy barnes & noble. We've actually been there before and walked around to other stores last time. it's like an outdoor mall, with hot topic and everything. It was the first time I saw a hot topic, like, outside and not inside of another building. But we just went to the bookstore this time.

We usually don't even buy anything when we're there, just walk around and look at stuff. ╮(￣ω￣;)╭

Here's a pic of me from yesterday

[01/01/2022]

Mood: unfocused (￣～￣;)

Idek how to start this entry. I just got out of the shower; I hate doing it lately because it makes me so unfocused and fatigued, mentally and physically. But at the same time I'll be having like racing thoughts but also feel like I can't think at all? (at least I think, idk if I'm describing it right) My mind will just be in this weird liminal space, I guess you could call that dissociation.

I was wondering why showering could be causing that so I tried looking it up but literally every result is ppl talking about how showering helps them with dissociation. agh (x_x)

Idek anymore. I've talked about having motivation to draw again but I feel burned out right now. I WANT to draw, though, I just can't get motivated like I was :( I feel like it's partly because I'm kind of discouraged. I don't like how my drawings come out. But idk what to do to get better. And then thinking about it stresses me out and I end up not doing anything.

Anyway, the other day I traveled for 2 different appointments but they both fell through. So me and my bf went around to random places and I ended up buying a new choker, and my bf bought me a new coat for when we go to NZ..

I was thinking of getting a planar reference figure since I have a lot of trouble with shading. Idk ｡ﾟ･ (>﹏<) ･ﾟ｡

[12/25/2021]

Mood: okay

Ok what have I been up to since last time I wrote in here... I started drawing again. Changed my index page. Still playing DMMD with bf. Finished Koujaku's route for the first game last night. I've played it before but barely remembered any of it lol.

I know Koujaku's popular but I'm not really a fan of that route. I hate the tension between him and Aoba for most of the game lol. At least with clear he was actually with you the whole time, and there were some cute moments. With Koujaku I felt sad the whole time lol. Plus I'm just not that into him as a character I guess. Still, the ending was okay. I finished some experimental Aoba fanart today (trying to improve my male anatomy skills.) It's like 2013 all over again, I kind of like it ^_^

Here's some pics from christmas eve:

[12/18/2021]

Mood: triumphant

It's been almost a month since I wrote in here, I was kind of avoiding it because I found writing about my situation, even if I only focused on improvements, was making it worse. So I'm not gonna write about it anymore, but I will try to write about normal stuff that has less to do with that and more with other things.

So on a whim I was replaying DMMD with my bf, don't ask why, was just something to do I guess. I wasn't expecting to get as into it as I did. I didn't even pick a new route, just went with the same one I did last time lol. It made me feel like.. emotions again. which is refreshing lol. So I decided to play re connect (the sequal) because I've never played before!

I tried multiple different downloads and couldn't get it to work for anything. But then I found out windows 10, for some reason, doesn't have all the region/language settings in one place. So I had to dig around to find what I was looking for. Finally got it working and I'm so anxious to play now lol.

I'm invested in Clear's good ending, especially since the original ending always left me wanting more with a bittersweet feeling

So yea, currently obsessed with Clear again. It's also making me wanna draw again which is great because I haven't wanted to draw or do anything for like 3 months now.

Also been thinking about changing my index page to a 3 column layout. Cute 3 column layouts always draw me into a site for some reason, plus my links are adding up now so it makes sense to have more room. yeah

[11/19/2021]

Mood: slightly relieved

I've been in a terrible state the last few days. Don't really know what caused it, but my anxiety level went through the roof. I had a psych appointment on the 15th, she kinda pissed me off. Wouldn't let me talk, asked me questions and then immediately proceeded to talk over me when I tried to answer. When I told her I stopped taking my meds because they were exacerbating my symptoms she said "well how do you expect to get better if you're not taking meds?" Nevermind the fact I told her there was a slight improvement from the first time I talked to her.

She prescribed me different meds and after taking just half of one pill it pushed me into dissociation (pretty much a dreamlike state this time) and made me panic even more, even though it was an anti-anxiety pill. I felt confused and terrified and wasn't all there. A horrible experience, again. I also have abilify which I'm now scared to death to take.

I mentioned in a previous entry I made a new youtube account to clear out my recommendations so I wouldn't be tempted to watch certain videos. It's definitely been hard. I think the loss of the little confidence boosts they gave me contributed to my high anxiety levels. I felt like I was so on my own, started doubting myself and felt I was going crazy.

Last night I decided to listen to some affirmations for anxiety and I already notice that the fear of totally losing myself and going insane isn't as strong. I don't know if listening to those is a good or bad thing. Like is it just temporary relief? I did also watch some vids before that, unrelated to all of this, that actually made me laugh and noticeably improved my mood. so that could've made me more susceptible to a better outlook on things.

I'm noticing that just writing about this gets me stuck on the negative things I've experienced. Maybe I should write about more positive things? Like it could be worse, I could still be under the effects of medication, and at least my stomach isn't in a constant state of sinking like it was. It's weird though, just thinking about it makes it happen again -_-

[11/14/2021]

Mood: burned out?

I never know how to start off journal entries _(°:з」∠)_ So, the other day we went food shopping and got a lot of vegetables, some fish, and some other stuff I can't remember right now. I also got a haircut and then we walked around the book store again because that's like the only place to go around here.

Today we got sushi and played some basketball, kind of? Just because we found a cheap basketball at the store. I don't really know what else to write about... I'm really trying to put more effort into not reacting to my thoughts so fearfully. It's been a bit better today, but still have this base feeling of anxiety the whole day. Hasn't been doing my stomach any good.

Was thinking of making another journal page, but centering more around hobbies rather than my general personal life and moods. Idk exactly what it will be about yet, but yea

pic from the other day:

[11/12/2021]

Mood: a little anxious but determined

Was gonna write in my journal last night but got too tired so I'm writing now. Past couple days have been kind of a struggle, but I'm focusing on pulling myself out of it. I think my brain just gets tired of trying to do that all the time and just wants to give in. But I have to recognize the thoughts for what they are, just anxious thoughts and nothing more.

Yesterday I decided not to watch anymore videos concerning dpdr so I made a new youtube account to make sure I wouldn't see them on my recommended feed. I actually watched a video yesterday which said "make this the last video you watch about it" so I did. The past 2 days I stayed home and was idle most of the time. But I'm going out today to go food shopping, since my EBT card finally got refilled, and maybe get a haircut. Dunno yet.

I really want to try and eat better. Planning on starting a mediterranean diet. Even though I'm vegan I haven't been eating a variety of vegetables and barely any fruit. Going to add fish back into my diet and try to cut out added sugars, which I've never done before. I hope it's not too hard

I've also been taking multivitamins and omega-3s the past couple of weeks(?) (at first I was taking vitamin D but switched to the multivitamins since they already had that and more) though I did slip up a couple of times and forget to take them, I've been good with it lately.

I've been trying to do basically everything except for taking meds right now (since the last few meds I was prescribed made everything worse). I have an appointment with my psych this month but I'm still so scared of taking anymore meds because of the experiences I've had.

I don't like when people make meds out to be this miracle cure or something that you can't go through recovery without. It seems like meds are this tremendous help for everyone except me. But maybe I just haven't found something that works for me yet. It still doesn't dismiss the fact that the process of finding the right meds scares me, since it means I could potentially be subjected to a horrible experience again.

I have to clean out the cat litter and take a shower now also hoping my menstrual cramps don't get worse

[11/9/2021]

Mood: trudging along

I had physical therapy today. Overall stressful day, mostly because the DR got worse than usual. Noticing it does get worse when I'm out in public. I had a sinking feeling in my stomach all day which I still can't get rid of. Once it's there it just sticks. Then causes burning and diarrhea -_- One of my family members was screaming on the phone about politics this morning which is what caused it.

While I was lying down at physical therapy today I kept getting the feeling like I was floating (which isn't new but it felt a lot more intense). Realized it's probably just DR that's causing it and tried to let it pass. We went to a book store afterwards and just walked around.

There's also this thing that I've noticed happening where I'll suddenly feel emotionally numb starting around 5-6pm. Dunno why. It seemed to be getting better recently but the past couple of days it's been happening again. Whenever it happens I try to get up and do some exercise or something. It helps a little bit. so better than nothing.

I'm trying not to let small setbacks in my recovery discourage me. I can't afford to be negative. I'm going to recover from this eventually because I have to, basically. I mean other people have so I should be able to as well.

I've been flattening my island on acnh and it's taking forever. I got happy home paradise but I've been too tired from working on my island to play much of it lol. I like playing hhp at night because there's kind of a relaxing vibe to it.

A recent hhp pic

[11/7/2021]

Mood: idle

I seriously need something to keep me more busy but there's only so much I can do. Would it even make sense to try and get a job if I'm going to be moving out of country in like 2 months? I never have much luck with getting hired anyway... there are huge gaps in my job history, and I've only worked 2 jobs officially, one of which was basically handed to me by my ex. they lasted 4 and 8(?) months respectively. Mental illness sucks ┐(￣ヘ￣)┌...

Since DR does worsen with stress, I'm afraid of inadverdently making it worse. But because I would be keeping my mind away from the OCD, there's a chance that would lessen the DR (since I believe what's driving it right now is the OCD) hm.

Anyway I'm home alone today and so far I've made a new layout, did a workout, and made some food. I suck at making food for myself so it was a pretty good thing for me. I'm gonna try to make a milk steamer later, probably with cinnamon and just a little bit of vanilla. Will probably play some acnh later since I'm trying to flatten and redo my whole island. Still struggling with getting the right furniture for my house.. or anything really

here's some pics of part of my living room

also my glasses broke yesterday

[11/5/2021]

Mood: surviving

I did get to have ramen today!

It actually wasn't really what I expected. That might be because I had to get vegetable ramen (vegan so I have very limited options lol). I did taste a little of my bf's though... for some reason I always imagined the broth he had would taste different than it did. But I got to try something new, at least. We almost went bowling lol but decided to go at a later date instead.

We drove around a lot today. The derealization seemed to get worse while we were driving. Maybe because I was stationary for a long time? I tend to feel more clear headed late at night (like right now) It could be because there's less noise and light, which are common DR triggers for me.

Also played some ACNH today, tried to furnish some of my rooms but it's hard when there's so little to work with in terms of furniture. It seems like there's a lot less furniture styles in acnh compared to pocket camp. This is why most of my rooms look bare or mismatched /sigh

[11/3/2021]

Mood: surviving

I coded a new layout for my journal today. Took forever, and I just realized the link list extends too far down when viewed on my tablet orz. Dunno how to fix that, but at least it doesn't seem to be that major.

Still trying hard at recovery from "Pure O" OCD and derealization. I'm largely on my own with it because I can't find a fancy OCD specialist who is actually affordable.

Been able to code layouts again so that's an improvement. It's a decent distraction. The DR did suddenly worsen while I was coding this but seems to be less severe now. Went on a bike ride yesterday. I'm working out more again, not quite to the point where I'm doing it everyday, but getting there.

I wanna go get some ramen tomorrow because I never had actual ramen before and there's a ramen place that opened close to here. Idk if it will happen though.

Anyway yeah.....