Mood: anxious

Last entry i wrote that i took the first of my meds. Well they ended up skyrocketing my anxiety, made me super drowsy and i was up the whole night with feelings of intense panic. Made the derealization/depersonilization worse. So definitely not taking those again.

I realized I'm struggling a lot with obsessive intrusive thoughts. I didn't recognize them as intrusive thoughts before, thought i was just going crazy. I'm talking to my therapist tomorrow so i'll ask if she can help specifically with this sort of stuff. If not then I'll have to find a specialist who also does sliding scale or something like that. Don't know how hard that's gonna be, but yea.

Apparently it's supposed to help if you accept the thoughts and allow them to pass instead of trying to resist them. Been trying to do that but not even sure if i'm doing it right, because the thoughts are constant.. always playing in the background even when i'm doing other things specifically to distract myself from them. I guess i have to give it time though.


Mood: anxious

Well, took the first of my meds this morning (8 days after they were prescribed... great system -_-) Anyway I've been struggling a lot with what i think is existential OCD. I'm gonna talk to my therapist about it in a few days and go from there. Idk if she's a specialist for this so i might even have to change therapists. She did tell me they were short staffed there so she had to cut our sessions and push me into group.

I have struggled with OCD most of my life but I've never sought out help for it. It was always exhausting but it was never like this before. It's really hard to disregard intrusive and anxious thoughts when I've pretty much bought into them my whole life. The funny thing is before all of this i was easily able to disregard existential thoughts. Now it's like a 24/7 thing.

The thoughts pop right back into my head immediately after i disregard them. Maybe i need more things to keep me busy? because right now i don't really have anything to do.


Mood: mindful

All i've been doing lately is listening to affirmations/meditating. the dpdr affirmations actually helped but this depression is so hard to get through. i'm struggling to see meaning in anything.

I talked to a psychiatrist last week and she prescribed me 3 different meds. I'm having a hell of a time actually obtaining them, though. I didn't know they would be nearly $300 usd all together, WITH a discount. So i had to transfer the prescription to somewhere cheaper. Nobody seemed to know how to do that, though, so only today was i able to transfer. But that alone takes 1-2 days, so more waiting.

I just want to have my motivation back. I want to laugh and be happy again. I want to WANT to do stuff again. I'm hoping so bad that this is temporary.

I want to update this journal layout, too. My mood is so fragile right now, I can't start anything.


Mood: don't want to think abt it

I don't want to leave off on a bad note so I'll write another entry

My bf is helping me get my passport so we can move to NZ (Where he was living) because after my experience he is just done with America. I'm trying to be excited about it but all the trauma and anxiety are overwhelming me. I hope it won't be permanent.

I tried to listen to new music today. Here's some songs i liked:


Mood: don't want to think abt it

Well my therapist recomended me to keep journaling so here i am.

I'm having the hardest time of my life right now. I got baker acted a few days ago. I made a mistake and went to the ER because i didn't know what to do and it was the closest place. The doctor ended up writing down that i wanted to "cut my wrists" even though nothing even close to that came out of my mouth. I told him I can't laugh, smile, or eat. They were supposed to send me to a psych hospital but it never happened.

I was stuck on a bed in the hallway right in front of the main desk where all the nurses work (no rooms bc covid and no one here takes the vaccine.) This experience made me not want to be around another nurse for the rest of my life. I couldn't sleep because of all the noise. and when i tried my heart rate would shoot up when i closed my eyes. I couldn't eat and felt extremely light headed and weak. when i tried to contact a nurse about it they told me they'd send someone and each time no one came. I wasn't allowed to leave the bed and walk around. at one point they put me in a room with all white walls and no windows. No fucking reason when they could have just left me in the hallway

The nurses are so desensitized to human suffering and death. They're nice to patients faces but say the most horrible shit about them once they're back at their desk. And the baker acts, who are clearly in distress, they laugh right in their faces and lock them in that white room. They laugh after ppl in the hospital die. joke about who gets to put them in a body bag. have a bet with another hospital about how few baker acts they can get in a day, because they said themselves they hate getting baker acts. I felt so alone and like i was never going to get out. I felt like I was going crazy.

eventually they had to let me go after promising me for days that they got me accepted into a psych hospital but then admitting they never did and there were no beds available. When i finally got out i could barely walk. Everything was so overwhelming, i felt like nothing was real. I was shaking and freaking out. after not eating or sleeping for days i guess that can happen. I feel worse now than before i went in. Nothing makes me happy.

I'm trying so hard to hold my head above water until my psych appointment in 4 days. They did give me lexapro in the ER but i had a bad reaction to it and it was scary as hell. I'm so weary of medication and scared that nothing will work for me and I'll just feel like this forever. I don't want to take something and have it do the opposite of what it's supposed to (which is seemingly becoming a thing for me) I obviously can't live like that. People don't understand that i don't WANT to die. I want to live. I just can't live like this. This is the scariest thing i've ever had to deal with.

How does eating edibles ONE TIME do this to a person?


Mood: perturbed

Can't there be more happy, feel good anime about adults? doesn't even have to be romance. just something that's not like dark, depressing ~psychological horror~...Something happy! I stopped watching anime for years because i was just tired of seeing elementary-high school girls being sexualized all the time. And even when they're not, teenage drama just isn't relatable to me in any way lol. I know teens are probably like the target audience but i'm just asking for a few crumbs

I'm trying desperately to distract myself from anxious, intrusive thoughts about nothing being real. Ever since that episode the other night it's like I can't escape it. I don't really want to write in depth about it though because it scares the shit out of me and i'd rather not focus on it.

Couldn't for the life of me get .hack//infection to work on my ps2. Tried everything. So either I'm buying a physical copy or emulating on PC, which i'd rather not do... my PC is crap lol. But still playing Grandia


Mood: in pain

so still in pain from the possible UTI i might have. idek if that's what it is, probably going to make the ~2 hour drive to the free clinics tomorrow. though everytime they do test me for infections everything comes back negative, and i'm prepared for the same thing to happen again.

anyway i had the worst experience of my life last night. my bf gave me edibles because he told me it would help with the pain. instead it just gave me the worst dissociative episode i've ever experienced :(

at first i kept forgetting what happened just before, and kept feeling like i was drifting in and out of reality, if that makes sense. felt like i was physically falling every few seconds. went on tumblr and couldn't make sense of anything i tried to read. time felt extremely slowed down. somehow my mouth was devoid of all moisture and i couldn't stop shaking/spasming.

after a while of that my bf put on tv and it kind of freaked me out bc the ppl seemed like they were talking so slowly and their voices were really loud. eventually stopped shaking though and fell asleep. slept till like 1pm and still didn't feel back to normal after waking up. it's almost 1:30am now and it's still scary thinking about it.

also, i started Grandia before that, and played more today

i'm actually enjoying it. i'm glad it's not too challenging so far. my only complaint right now is that exploring areas gets confusing, i think because of the angles. but other than that i like it


Mood: jaded and fed up but not surprised

I've been watching a lot of interesting internet mystery videos on youtube lately but can never seem to find good (male) youtubers who don't make gross or just blatantly misogynistic generalizations towards women. funny how that works.

anyway, haven't been doing much because I spend so much time inside. been getting these bad tension headaches/back pains that i think are just from plain inactivity. i haven't even done a full fledged workout ever since i had to give my dog away, which was back in... february or april? i can't remember but yea. i got so used to playing and walking with him multiple times a day i kind of stopped doing my usual workouts and it's been hard to get back into it ever since.

so once again got woken up by what felt like a UTI around 5am today. the pain has mostly subsided now, i just hope it goes away because I'm still unable to see a primary care doctor. speaking of, still can't get a referall for a derma to save my life. if i think about it too much it just starts making me upset, so i try not to. Right now i'm watching the invader zim movie and eating dark chocolate i felt like watching gir because i saw some gifs of him earlier lol

I finished the Great Ace Attorney Chronicles the other night, so that's the last of them for now ;n; I'm so used to playing AA at night before falling asleep ever since I got the AA trilogy on switch forever ago. So it's kind of a bummer, hopefully they'll make new AA games.

The other day I stumbled across a couple people using one of my themes and it made me kind of happy, but embarrassed at the same time lol. but also motivated me to try and make even better themes :P I know it's just neocities and there's no where near as much activity on here than other sites, but it's a fun hobby, and being away from mainstream social media is why i came here in the first place lol

recent pic of my cat :P


Mood: Flabergasted

So I used to watch this show in the 90s when i was little that I used to think was lost media up until now. I say that because I always have an impossible time trying to find it! All I remembered was a lady with long red hair in a bed reading stories, in a room with window walls. The closest I got was 'Sing Me a Story with Belle', which i knew wasn't it.

Tonight I mentioned it to my bf and the craziest thing was that he found it immediately with just one google search ORZ How could I never find it??? Anyway it's called 'Shelley Duvall's Bedtime Stories' !!!

It's actually on the Peacock app so I watched an episode to confirm and yea I'm like 99.9% sure this was it. Can't believe it was just here the whole time


Mood: eager

What's a word for when you really wanna do something but don't know what and can't focus enough to figure it out? idk but that's how I'm feeling right now. Anyway was thinking I would make more character designs, but I've had a headache since yesterday and I think it's from too much screentime. Basically all I did yesterday was look at screens. Between drawing and coding.

I also got Dark Cloud recently, found out it was on PS4. I haven't played it since it first came out.

It's so unbelievably frustrating though, so I've been taking a break from it.

I tried playing PSOBB today on a private server (I'm feeling nostalgic for early 2000's games and ui obviously)

Unfortunately gave up because it's just too hard for me, and was making my headache worse

I wish there were games that existed with similar aesthetics and gameplay but EASIER lol. Oh and found my old ps2, so my bf ordered a controller and a ps2 to hdmi so we can play in a couple weeks, I guess. I'm hoping to play .hack//IMOQ again and maybe try to sell some art so i can save up for a cheap capture device of some sort (so i can take screenies :P)


Mood: discouraged

I posted before about how i was stressed about asking my PT for more appointments. Well i did today and she looked so stressed after i asked, put her head in her hands and sighed. she thought i was getting better (idk why, i told her some things improved while others haven't) so i feel guilty and like it's my fault.

Also asked for a referall, since i was told by the dermatologist office it would be accepted. She said she couldn't. My first referall got denied bc the ppl who wrote it told me it would get accepted, and it wasn't. I'm so tired of medical workers straight up lying to me.

Anyway, my bf and i started Echo Night last night

this is another one i've played on emulator a few years ago, but quickly gave up on bc i guess i get bored easily and it takes patience to play ps1 games lol. it's even harder now bc our controller doesn't have joysticks


Mood: not ready

Tomorrow's phyiscal therapy appointment was actually supposed to be the last one, but my urologist asked me to encourage her to continue since i'm still having problems. I also have to ask her for a referall for a dermatologist i was supposed to see months ago (bc the ppl who were originally supposed to make the appointment never did lol -_-) idk why asking an extra question or two stresses me out so much. I'm 30 and still worry that people are going to be annoyed with me if i ask a question. And i get to look forward to another 2 hour~ drive. That's the worst part bc your anxiety ferments and drives you crazy. If it weren't for that i feel like it would be a lot easier to get the whole process over with. But my county sucks so

Me and my bf beat this game called 'D' on his ps1 last night.

(my gif lol)

I actually used to play this with my mom when it first came out. I played on emulator a couple years ago but it was so tedious i gave up. Me and bf definitely used a guide lol


Mood: frustrated

A little over 2 years ago i had problems with reoccuring UTIS. It took about 5 or 6 tries with antibiotics for it to go away, but i still have symptoms till this day. Mostly burning or very intense butterfly feeling in my urethra when urinating, but don't usually feel burning afterwards. I've done almost everything and nothing relieves it. Right now i'm still in physical therapy, but it hasn't helped. I think i have a UTI again. It started yesterday with bladder pain and constant burning in my urethra. The only way i can see a GP is to go to a free clinic night, 2 hours away. i hate doing it but i might have to. It's so frustrating. I was at the urologist the other day and everything was normal. they want me to keep going to PT bc they'd rather not do any invasive procedures (I'd rather not either, the cystoscopy alone was traumatic and tore my urethra. It hasn't been the same since then.)

I've been playing the great ace attorney. AA is like my comfort game. idk what I'm gonna do after i finish this one. I think Soseki is my favorite character, he's kind of relatable.

I also installed a synth plugin yesterday called Synth1.

I use it with the DAW software that came with my keyboard. I installed 25,000 presets and went thru some yesterday. I shouldve noted the ones i liked bc those take forever to go through


Mood: tired

It took a lot longer than i thought to make this page T_T I'm too tired to think.

I got this keyboard recently, still figuring out how to use it.