My Diary

Panic attacks have been increasing in severity and frequency, so I got desperate and asked a family member if they could help pay for therapy sessions. 2 family members actually ended up helping so now I have 1 month of sessions covered. I had my initial intake session today, went well. I've also been learning a lot about psychology. Attachment styles, ego states, family systems, etc... made me realize how my upbringing really put me in a predisposition to developing DPDR. Ever since I got triggered a few days ago, and then again a day after, I've been in a constant state of detachment. Everything is blunted and I feel numb, but worst of all I've developed this fear of existence itself. Hopefully through therapy and my own efforts I can start to heal...

Was having an episode last night, which is nothing new, the dpdr always gets bad at night. So I decided to sign out of my youtube and watch some videos to calm me down (When I watch anything that might have to do with dpdr or mental health, which is rare, I always sign out of my youtube account so it's not in my recommended feed all the time) But I noticed a video in the sidebar from the TED talks channel (fuck that channel btw, this isn't the first time it's come up in my feed with some triggering bullshit) talking about how reality is a hallucination. I didn't watch it, the title alone freaked me out enough. But In that moment I couldn't see the point in anything anymore. I didn't want to wake up this morning. I don't really know how to handle anything right now, besides just exist. Except now the feelings of despair I get over it are eating me alive. I'm angry too. I want to be like "fuck it, nothing matters" and spew bitterness everywhere. But then I feel I shouldn't. It's like... now what? How the hell do I remain positive through this?

Was pretty disconnected last night, and woke up feeling the same way. A lot of the day I just felt like I couldn't fully wake up. I hate when it's like that. But what can I do but try to accept it? It got a little better once my bf woke up and started messaging me, but something happened that really freaked me out and it immediately got worse. (body fluid talk ahead) I had some brownish discharge and of course my mind jumped to the worst possible conclusion. I read that it's likely leftover from my period and not cause for concern if it happens once, and that if it happens again I should see a doctor. My period ended maybe 7 days ago and also started 8 days early, which I'm not used to. It might be because of my drastic change in diet. I hope it's nothing more than that.

My grandma asked me what was wrong and I ended up breaking down because I really did want to talk to someone. But I can't talk to her because she can't hear me (hearing loss). She kept misunderstanding what I was saying and assuming things. She somehow made the conversation about the bathroom. So I was kind of just like Ok..yeah.

I always hear that you're supposed to talk to a therapist to process your trauma, but then I hear that therapy and talking about it doesn't help because it will keep you thinking about it all the time. I feel like that's true for me in some ways, but then I still feel this overwhelming need to talk to someone just so I won't feel so isolated. The only mental health professional I've told about all of my trauma in detail was a one-time psychologist at a free clinic.

I can't find a place I can afford that will allow me to talk to the same person on a daily basis. The place I went to before was always assigning me new therapists, since the therapists there are always leaving to either work somewhere else or open up their own private practices. This is a problem because with every new person I talk to I have to re-live my trauma by telling them everything over again. It's exhausting doing that. They are also so backed up that I could only see them every few months.

Maybe I'd be doing better if I was able to get out and do more things. Right now I have no life. I was supposed to be in NZ a while ago, but plans fell through. I have to decide if I want to take 2 plane rides or wait 3 months and take a long ride on a ship. I feel like I'm in some sort of limbo during this transition phase (more so than I already have been).

Our AC broke a few days ago. It got to 90 degrees fahrenheit in the house today and I felt like I was the only one who was overheating. I felt like I was being crushed by the humidity. My grandma was acting like I was crazy for feeling too hot. She said it felt fine to her. The temp kept rising and rising and at one point I was like "omg what if it never stops" and that thought sparked a dissociative panic attack that made me feel like I was on the brink of being ripped from reality. Then my grandma's neice came over and said that it wasn't hot. I was seriously questioning my sanity with multiple people telling me the same thing. Like I'm not crazy right? 90 degrees in a humid house is hot, isn't it??

The amount of panic this causes in me makes me rethink taking a plane to NZ. I already panic during takeoff, but ever since my last stay in the hospital I have a fear of being held in a confined space with no way to get out. A fear of being powerless, really. If I start panicking on there, I'm stuck where I am. That's terrifying to me. Idk what I'm gonna do, I feel like I'm stuck either way. Stuck in my anxiety, stuck in FL, stuck on a plane. I just feel stuck and powerless and like I'm going to lose touch with reality completely.

Had a bit of an episode today. I panicked after I got up and immediately got thrown into DP. I felt it trying to turn into a full blown episode like the first one, but I knew what was happening so I was able to get from like a 7 to a 3. I got frustrated and bitter, but realized I can't be doing that, so I decided to find someone to talk to anonomously online. I found a site where it let me do one session for free.

We did the typical 54321 exercise. And she didn't tell me anything different than what I've already heard from the therapists and psychs I've seen, but it helped in the sense that I was able to vent to someone. And it's good to have reminders sometimes.

My bf was actually diagnosed with depersonalization disorder a long time ago, but I feel like I can't talk to him because he just doesn't understand it? When I asked him about his experience, he said his DP symptoms were never stressful or scary to him, and that he never had the same problems I had. So it made me feel kind of alone.

Anyway, I was thinking I should make a list of things to do that help when I'm having an episode. Venting to a professional helps, but sometimes their responses feel so contrived. Talking to someone who's actually been through it, and not just read about it in a book, helps a lot more. It makes me feel hopeful and that really helps. I did find someone like that who's based in NZ, and that's perfect because that's where I should be soon. Just need to get past my fear of planes.